Finding your New Normal

We are all “super-mamas” if we chose to live after losing one or more children.

We might not say it out loud, but most of us faced a very clear decision if we wanted to keep living or if we didn’t: the world is a better place because you decided to stay!
You shall be proud of your strength and courage!

Let’s face it: you’ll never “get over” the death of your child. What will happen is that over time you will learn how to live with the pain and the loss.
Over time, you might be able to remember the love and oversee the pain.

Many grieving parents say that their loss gave them a new perspective and a new depth in their lives; others feel nothing like that.

At the beginning, any little thing will be an achievement: getting out of bed in the morning, having a 5 minutes conversation without crying, taking a shower, eating…

Notice and congratulate yourself for your little successes.

Be aware that being alive and starting to reintegrate a sort of routine is not disrespectful towards your deceased baby: you are honouring the life that (s)he never got to live!
Some of us tend to feel guilty, but more often it is anger, not guilt: you are angry that life goes on for everyone, you included, but not for your baby(ies); you are angry because your baby died;  you are angry that someone else, who was careless compared to you, got to have a healthy and living baby, whereas you have lost yours….

One step at the time, one little success at the time. Take all the time you need to grieve: if, due to your specific circumstances, you have no “me-time” at all, be sure to schedule some “grieving time” for yourself, even if it is just 5 minutes before going to bed. You will need this time to collect yourself, or to collapse in tears, or to just be with your little Angel and have him/her whispering into your ear that (s)he loves you and you will always be his/her mum…

At some point you might even find yourself laughing again, possibly about something irrelevant…let yourself laugh without feeling guilty, it is all part of the process.
On other days, you will just want to die and you will ask yourself how cruel this all is…let yourself feel the grief and the pain, don’t just distract yourself with something.

Don’t act upon any suicidal feelings and get help right away if these persist.

Read more

Read more within the “Practicalities” Menu:
Giving Birth   Seeing the Baby: Pictures + Hands & Feet Prints
Autopsy   Memory Box – Baby Book   Planning the Funeral
How to Answer to a “How are you Doing?”   Finding your New Normal
Someone You Care About Just Lost a Baby
Read more in the other Menus:
Practicalities   Support   Which Trimester?
Was it your Firstborn?    (Not) Trying Again?
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